Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Dissociation sounds like a good idea

My perspective on the world and on my own life has changed so many times over the last year or so, I've stopped counting. Twitter and blogs have helped me get closer to the truth. Lately, things I've seen and researched in the world around me, and things I've seen closer to home, have started to converge, and I'm no longer sure what's true and what's something else that might look like truth, but isn't. The best case scenario is that I've lost the plot. There's a cure for that.

In my search for help I turned, among others, to an EMDR shrink who told me I had a dissociative disorder of a co-conscious variety, but that I was too unstable to have EMDR, and that I should see a psychiatrist specialized in dissociation for a proper diagnosis. I was quite gobsmacked. I've avoided any sort of diagnosis like the plague for all these years, because I was scared that any label could stop me from getting a job or life insurance, make my friends run a mile or you name it. Instead, I secretly self diagnosed as PTSD and at times depressed and decided to leave it at that. But now I've decided to give up on the idea that I'm coping marvelously, because clearly I'm not. Seeing a psychiatrist is another story. I'm about as keen on that idea as a date with Dracula.

Thinking about my strange behaviors as parts has made things fall into place like eggs into a basket. I've never thought about myself as "we", or been aware of voices, but I know that certain functions only seem to be available to me at certain times. There's all the things that "the judge" doesn't seem to allow me to do or say. There's "Julia" and "the scream" who I use in photos and to frighten people for fun. I have a "professional" who convinces people to give me a job more often than not. There's "fix it" who must sort out other people's problems at all cost, and who takes these problems on as her own, which probably doesn't help anyone. There's "deaf" who's only physically present and can't hear what people say. My biggest enemy at the moment is "freeze"which keeps me nailed to the sofa for days. "Paranoia", wow, he just rules. There might be a little girl who I hate for not speaking up when I was younger, but I don't like thinking about her.

One things' for sure, if I'm dissociative, then so are half of the people (the most interesting half) of the people I know. I know that I seem be drawn towards people who, like me, have had great traumas in their lives, or who behave as if they have but can't or won't remember.

The idea of dissociation is quite comforting now that I've got used to it. I've stopped feeling quite so guilty about having no concentration and not hearing what people say to me. If this was the only problem I'd be laughing.

Dissociation is also coming in handy now that I'm in crisis mode, although it's only partly working. I wish I could talk about it, but "the judge" is not the only one who thinks that's a bad idea. What's left of the world as I know it could end, but I have a feeling it already has, and not just in this neck of the woods. There has to be something on the other side of this. I've been reading the Bible. If Heaven will help, I'm ready for that. In any case, I'm not alone.

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